Night-time Thoughts

2 months into 2016 now, and I've been thinking of the stuff I've been doing this whole time. Thoughts get misplaced so I put them down in words. They don't usually link in chronological order and so, the reasoning behind the numbering is known only to the dusty corners of my mind.

This is what I've been thinking of on this night.

1) This week I've had more stuff to be happy about, and the latest is to do with FYP. I know everyone's moaning and "FYP" sometimes comes out like a swear word, but things come in stages. Today, after months of work on my dear samples (blowing, grinding... scanning electron microscopy), I've finally crushed the last of them and obtained a beautiful set of data. I guess (aside from the report and maybe some minor side work), this is kind of the end point. My FYP has been physically exhausting and literally painful, and I'm extremely grateful for the help I've received. There's still repayment to be done on my part, but I'm all the more happy to do so because even experiences like FYP become nicer when shared.

2) Speaking of sharing experiences, it's awesome when people want to try climbing. It's even more awesome when they want to try it again even though it makes new fingers raw and painful. I might not be the best person to be promoting this sport, but I do my best for whoever wants to try. Sometimes I wish I could do more/better, but there's time and place for everything.

3) I haven't actually been climbing much though, mainly due to the ankle D:< (and other stuff that's been taking up my weekends). Good thing the injury is receding and I'm becoming able to try hard again, past the mental barrier as well as the too-long-never-train cui-ness.

4) Something else partly related -  the regular climbing group is different from before. It's definitely fun and comfortable but sometimes I stop to think: "didn't I use to do this/feel this way with other people?" And the thing is, it's not just climbing... The feelings of absence and change seem to have become a tad more prominent lately. Circumstance is the culprit as always; people are going out into the working world and others have taken on responsibilities/enthusiasms etc. The good thing is that not all of it is permanent and some things will probably go back to how they used to be (except work). But I've seen change in people lately, and I realise how circumstance can be damaging. [Lemonade made purely out of lemons is still sour. I should keep sugar in my pockets.] I happen to be a very adaptable person. I guess that's why I flow into new comfort zones without feeling much drag. Then once I'm "here", I realise things are different, and sometimes I feel a little sad.

5) A roomie makes a single room smaller. But I do like small spaces and it's nice to have someone to talk with at night. She's moving out soon :/

6) Ok too emo alr. Tbh only a fraction of change is undesirable la. Case in point: this one group of friends that I treasure in particular. I've known them since the guiding years. So for 10 years-ish we've never failed to talk about the same old funny things but in recent times, the conversations have totally shifted in favour of quarter-life crises i.e. work. This shift didn't go unnoticed and we took it further by predicting each decade's conversations up till the age of 80. But in all honesty, our meetings still keep their light and we tend to laugh till our throats our sore. Hahaha, I'm still trying to figure out how we did that over quarter-life crises. I hope with all my heart that this will never change.

7) My sis recently ranted to me about something. Although in my head I was like "ohplz you lousy thing" I remembered that I was probably the same during my teenage years xD So I tried my hand at diplomacy.

8) CNY was quiet this year. One grandma was hapz and the other had to take care of an aunt who caught dengue fever D: So there were literally no family visits on 初一 and 二. My gosh it was damn sian. But my parents seemed nonchalant about it, and they kept saying how it was nice and peaceful. I look forward to CNY every year. I was especially looking forward to this one, since I was away last year and had to make do with a Skype visit, so this was an extreme downer. I guess the fun starts to wear off when you start to have to give out hongbaos. Things got better though, and CNY is 15 days long anyway.

9) Grandma's (dad's side) 80th was a blast (at least for me, my sis, and certain uncles/cousins). It was the first time in years we had dinner in a room equipped with a K system. I was very young at the last time so I must stress the surprise I felt on realising how well my family members can sing. It was great fun! I knew and was singing along to many of the old/new/mandarin/english songs, so my poor dinner got sidelined. My uncle even pointed to my neglected glass of beer and said that mosquitoes were starting to breed in there HAHA. I'm a fun-loving person really, but only a small portion of people who know me actually get to see that. Most of them happen to be family :)

10) The weekend stuff was interesting as well. Notably, there's been archery tag where I learnt to aim fairly well after observing others. Managed to hit quite a few targets/people >:D That same night we went to cow's place where I tried CNY gambling for maybe the second time in my life. Balked after losing $1.50 and chickened out of the table. I think I'm not generally scared of losing, but if I lose I rather it be by lack of skill rather than by complete chance.

11) On the topic of money... I recently made two big ticket purchases. One was a 2 TB hard drive. Quite a timely purchase considering that the high speed videos from my FYP took up 160 GB of space! Little grainy 5 minute videos of things being crushed are somehow worth more space than HD movies. The other purchase was literally a ticket. A ticket to the JAY CHOU CONCERT <3 Every time he came to Singapore I would dream of going, but because (1) I never considered spending >$100 (2) I never considered asking friends to spend >$100 with me, I never went. Now, thanks to my roomie, I have 6 months to be excited for my first ever concert :D Of course... it's a good thing there's been recent hongbao income to tide over the sudden spike in spending.

12) Another thing there has been a surge of recently is the number of people asking me about my relationship status/goals. Like, what's going on?? Why the sudden interest in this (missing) aspect of my life, I wonder. "What do you like in a guy" is not an easy question to answer, and aside from some vague mumbling, I didn't have a proper answer by the 2nd or 3rd time I was asked. So I did a bit of thinking. Different girls have different needs or paradoxes or whatever one calls them. I think I kinda distilled mine down into a few definite words: I don't know how to like people. I guess it's because I'm not exactly a needy person, so I see guys as equals. [Like we know how to take care of ourselves better than some princesses.] BUT the thing is in a relationship, much more than want, I need someone who can take care of me. I need someone to support. So maybe I'm actually looking, but I'm looking for someone stronger. Maybe that's why I'm searching, but not much has been appearing on my radar. I don't have big dreams but I do think I would like to "settle down" someday. Unfortunately I don't think I can lower this expectation of mine, I'd rather stay single.

In other news, happy weekend!

Injury report

Right.

It's only 21 days into 2016 and I've sprained my ankle (major) for the second time. For my own future reference (although it's not likely I'm gonna forget anytime soon): I missed on a sideways dyno, fell, contacted the mat first with my right ankle which promptly decided to roll inwards. Under the pumping music I believe I was the only one to hear the sound that followed (crack-crush-crack) - a clear indication of damage. Aside from the lightning pain of course.

Then I did the usual foetal position grimacing in agony kind of thing on the mat that one normally does after the above occurrences. And was caught doing that on the live stream.

So even before I gingerly picked my way back to my bag after application of a cold, numbing spray onto the offending spot, there were some concerned messages from concerned people waiting to be read in my message box. I know it doesn't take injury to show this (and I could do without it, totally), but it still nice to know that I'm cared about :)

Yes, I was walking normally with pain, but I'm now not walking normally. Still with pain.

It's a 2 out of 2 for getting injured at Gravical so maybe I won't make it 3 or more...

On the other hand, cool routes, (slightly) overestimated target audience. But at least I got one cool video for my efforts haha!

If I were to paint a picture of life (lately)
It would look somewhat like

The red of fight
The orange of street lights guiding
The yellow of test
The green of keep on going
The blue of collectedness
The indigo of drain
The violet of blank mind struggling

The black of silent dwelling
The grey of fuzzy sleepiness
The white of morning light

The lost rainbow of the wall
The transparency of weakness
The neon of imbalance

The mint of night air
The steel of acceptance

The silver of resistance
The gold of company
The iridescence of understanding
The glitter of laughter

Weaving edges, curves, loops, contours

On a crumpled canvas of delirium.

REAL lessons

Renaissance Engineer Advance in Leadership [REAL]. REP went ahead and forced us to skip most of the first week of school for this. Long story short, it's a leadership programme by Linhart - not your average student leadership camp.

If uncomfortable situations are like being thrown in the deep end, safe to say I was drowning, at the same time as being taught to save myself from drowning. Better be distressed now than later in the real world right? Nevertheless, it was extremely taxing, and by the 3rd day I imagined myself to be at 30% efficiency (as per my summer school business simulation haha) - liable to drifting into zombie mode at the slightest disengagement. Granted, a wealth of potential lay in the programme for us to tap (not to be punny, but it was really expensive!), it all depended on how much we wanted to. Coming out of this I can't say I completely mastered everything that was taught, but at the very least, I'm a bit clearer on who I am and what I can be.

Length of paragraph is not an indication of importance:

Be authentic. Lead from the heart, people will eventually see what you really are rather than what you want them to see. Even a facade of good is doomed to fail [trying too hard... it is pitiful when you see through someone like that].

Life is VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) and the situations we were thrown in were designed to reflect that. Planning gets you so far, the rest is up to your reflexes and ability to untie your tongue and respond. In school we prepare, script, and rehearse. But consider when the audience isn't interested, and they ask questions ahead of time. In this lack of order, we start to 慌张 and lose confidence. Prepare to face surprises so that they stop being surprising, and make sure you know what the audience needs/wants to hear.

State the end point first. Yes or no before explaining - don't waste a busy person's time, they might cut you off before you even start to.

Don't think that there's nothing to learn from someone beneath you. Snobbery does no good for impressions and skillsets. This extends beyond humility and includes a drive to improve so that you are willing to learn from whoever it is that can offer the lesson.

Have gratitude for everything - opportunities, people etc. Obviously, this doesn't mean waiting for a big break to land in your lap and then thanking the skies for it. See and grab opportunities as they waltz by, and be thankful that they came in your direction. Appreciation goes a long way, and motivation is an important asset. Myself, I want to be motivated to give my best to whomever I might be working with, as they would for me. I like to think I've consistently thanked my minions for their hard work, and as ex-Chief Saikang Warrior, worked just as hard together with them. But I don't remember the details anymore, so all I can do is to make sure I do so in the future.

Eventually, I've also learnt more about myself. However plain and unambitious this might sound, my vision is to be comfortable. Challenge is part of the comfort (coz I get bored easily hahaha), but there will come a point where I won't see a need to go higher. REP is training us to become future CEOs, CTOs... Yea yea. It might be too early to say, but I don't think I'll be one of those. I'm not worried, coz as one of the REAL faculty said, you don't have to be right at the top to be a leader. I guess it's something I've always known, but never was confident enough to believe in. I don't have to be the President, I want to be the Quartermaster. (In those days) I was the go-to person for anything logistics-related, I had my objectives, and had to rally people to meet them, and I enjoyed my job. Granted, there will always be differences to leading in school and whatever lies out there, but I'll take it as it comes. Leadership is a journey, and life is a great teacher (one can learn from another's life stories as well!).

I just need to keep reminding myself (though it's nice to have friends around to help say, like my learning partner! :)) that I'm not that lousy, and that I'm capable in my own way.

SG50 and beyond

7th August at the Sing50 concert, the new National Stadium sparkled to life in show of appreciation for a certain singer called Tracy Huang. It was the first time that night that people in the stands lit up their (assistive phone) lights in appreciation for a performer. I had no idea who she was, had never heard her songs before, and my friend thought she was a 20-smth (a quick Google showed she's actually 63). But at the moment she started singing 哭砂, the stadium roared in approval and transformed into a sea of twinkling stars. I was one of those who cheered, without knowing exactly why. Haha, it could've been anything, but aside from the really nice chorus, I was thrown back to 11 years ago when I attended an NE show as a P5 kid. In each of our funpacks was a torch, creatively shaped to look like what is now known as a Nokia dinosaur, something (the real thing) that many of us had pestered our parents for at that time. As darkness fell, a beautiful sight beheld, and I never forgot how those twinkles bloomed across the stands and shimmered to the music.

Back to the present, it was a night of all round reminiscing overall, given that I was with some of my oldest friends. I always manage to have fun with this bunch, snaking queues, horrible acoustics, and all xD It's kinda unfortunate that that was the only day possible for all 8 of us to meet at once in 2015, but hey, some friendships need very little maintenance. Here's to 10 years of sisterhood, and many tens of years more!

姐妹们!

The wait for 9th August felt especially drawn out this year. It's prob because of all the pre-hype and the extra long SG50 weekend (awesome move, coz we all love holidays haha!), and even on the day itself I couldn't wait for the NDP to start (watched at home on TV, not lucky enough to get tickets :/). After spending such a long stretch overseas, I'm glad I could be back for this. And this year the nation celebrates 50 years of independence, something really extra special.

I was at marina barrage to watch the RSAF Black Knights on that day with J and J. No videos/pictures, coz I wanted to enjoy the action live, without having to allocate attention to a small screen. The Black Knights never disappoint :D [Well, they didn't disappoint, but we chose a wrong spot to watch. Meaning, instead of cheering during the aileron cross and criss cross, we facepalmed as the F16s disappeared behind a building at the most intense part. At least there were many other more visible stunts.] Of all the stunts, mostly roaring crowd pleasers, one was particularly symbolic and beautiful - the Dedication Pass. I guess a quick google will yield some photos and videos, but being there was something else. Right before the stunt, the pumping club music was silenced, and so was the crowd. Marina barrage was suddenly automatically hushed as if everyone knew something was coming. The music started playing (See You Again by Wiz Khalifa), and befittingly, the line "We've come a long way from where we began" played as the Black Knights emerged from the clouds - 4 in a diamond formation with 2 others spiralling deliberately around slightly behind, all with extra thick trails of smoke. As they made their entrance, the angle emphasised the lights on the underbellies of each of the F16s. Small but strong, visible lights, a contrast to the gloomy skies. The effect was lasting, and the crowd felt it, I felt it. As the F16s roared away to the uplifting chorus, the crowd cheered as one. You get breathless watching this kind of thing, and without thinking, you start to smile :)

Then there was the getting out of there. I'd already had a taste of free transport getting to Bayfront mrt, and I don't think there has ever been such a huge number of Singaporeans out on the streets before that day. Massive waves of people headed to and back from the bay area throughout the day, and it was a huge, slow crush in the sweltering heat after the aerial performance. But like that then have 气氛, and once a year is fine haha. The plan was to go to the retro carnival at tanjong pagar railway, but I was falling asleep over lunch, so we just went home, in good time for the parade!

Just like every year except the last, I watch the parade at home on TV. Some years are meh, esp in recent years where the songs have never managed to match up to those from the pri school days, but this year was really WOW. Most people find the marching contingents boring, but ever since I came from a UG in sec school, I'd always taken interest. This year, there was an added vintage contingent, and even the traditionally cheesy portions with dancing kids was something special. Which Singaporean can't resist chuckling at a neon green spiky (and cutely round) durian float, or another one shaped like a packet of tissue primarily meant for chope-ing? [Typing this, I realise the word "durian" isn't in the dictionary. Time to wake up your idea blogger! x)] My sis squealed "so cute!" at the combined pri sch performance, where they all wore suits that lit up in multi-coloured stick figures. But the part that I'd been looking forward to forever was yet to come. I think many of us who'd grown up with the old songs would've wished for the day when the original singers come back to do a performance at the NDP. This year, so many of them did! SG50 ma, special. Kit Chan came back to sing the perennial favourite "Home", as did Clement Chow, Corinne May, and JJ lin with this year's song (his version is the best NDP song we've had in recent years). But for me, the highlight was Stefanie Sun, who did a medley of "We Will Get There" and as I said last year, my favourite NDP song, "One Singapore". I really wished I could've gotten tickets this year, but then again so would almost the rest of the population.

Ending off with the fireworks adding colour to our ever picture perfect marina bay night scene, the celebrations on 9th August came to a close. Singapore, you've fought hard to come this far. I've only been around for so long, but I've had the chance to experience living overseas, and I feel the love for my country more than ever before. Where I am safe, where I am rewarded for my hard work, where different ethnicities are bound by common values, tastes, and a common language, and most importantly, where my loved ones are. I hope in 50 years I'll still be sprightly enough to cheer and sing along to the old songs during SG100 ;) Singapore, have a great 50th!

In the week after, things are back to normal. It's how we roll, through celebrations or grief, we carry on. For me, school has started proper, but I feel like I haven't had enough holiday xD

Summer rage

Well, I haven't done this in a while.

As to why, the list is lengthy and detailed as excuses will be, but in short I just haven't had the motivation to blog since my return to this sunny island. I pretty much spent the first 3 weeks or so hanging around at home, lazing, annoying my sis, or going out for my much-missed hawker food. Oh, I climbed as well, fingers suffering the combined burden of training hiatus and holiday weight gain. Caught up with some friends as well, but many others were bound by work schedules so I'm still waiting to see some ppl I haven't seen in a long time.

When I find the time again I shall relive my travels and detail some of the more interesting summer memories, but for now I must explain the title of this post. Rmb the feeling of having to do holiday homework? Multiply that by any ridiculous positive number and you'll probably get the irritation that's been hovering in my emotional space for the past few weeks.

Ah, and not forgetting summer school. Yea well, the course I'm on right now (yes, now, during summer break) might be a bit too highly intensive and deep for my super-lousy-at-doing-business head, but at least the struggle means that I'm actually trying to learn something useful. So, the course itself is not the problem.

The problem is, that despite my super-inexpertise, I'm somehow having to save my in-game company (in the business simulation run in this course), from bankruptcy on a regular basis. And at times, you wouldn't have known a few other ppl exist in the team.

I feel myself becoming more easily emotional lately. And these emotions are getting increasingly difficult to hide. My demeanor comes from an ability to suppress urges to slap deserving ppl combined with a stoic barrier to quash outbursts. But like using a computer, there's only so much you can compress a file before it can't take it anymore.

No worries, I'm not constantly wanting to slap ppl. It's just this team of mine, and the persons (note the "s") in question. I've been simmering for a while, and I'm glad the course ends today. Key takeaways: beware of (1) slackers (2) untrustworthy ppl (avoid letting them handle/influence decisions!) (3) ppl who just have no idea what's going on even though they think they are working hard enough.

Sighs. Well, at least it's liberating to write again. And I'm gonna climb it off tmr - one good thing that happened this week is that my endurance has increased.

<<ends rant>>

Retrospect: One year

Song for the year: On My Way - Phil Collins

Tell everybody I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead, yes I'm on my way
And there's nowhere else that I'd rather be

Exactly one year ago, on 1st June 2014, Me wrote this. [Indeed. Adventures, nonsense, and hard times there have been plenty. Seems like I was quite the oracle xD] Excited, but at the same time not quite ready to leave. That poor thing who would burst into tears at the departure gates.

Six months from then, another Me wrote this. More experienced, having lived overseas for half a year, but weary of routine (studies/tests/deadlines), and missing the comforts of home. The following 8 months had seemed such a long time to pass.

And here I am on 1st June 2015, one whole year from the day I was last in SG. My exams haven't ended yet (3 to go T.T), but lol I've got license to reminisce [this post was slowly drafted over the past month anyway]. "Time flies when you're having fun", as the adage goes. Haha, "fun" must encompass a whole lot of wacky things then, which must be why the past 6 months macam vanishing act. Save for this painfully slow exam period... But that aside, it's somewhat paradoxical - however fast time seems to fly, the feeling never goes away in that it's been a very long time.

Before we left, I thought I was coming for an overseas internship and one academic year in ICL, with a generous helping of travel whenever I could find the time. So that was true, but how was I to know that there was gonna be so much more than that. I've enjoyed much of it but this year wasn't easy, that's for sure.

With regards to traveling, there are now too many trips to list without being a bore. And I'm also aware that I've rarely written about them since this year started, which I should have done but did not... [I prob should, or else in a few decades' time let's just say I'll rmb nth of raw minced meat and schizo weather] Being in REP has given me this wonderful opportunity to explore the beauty and flaws of UK/Europe - the food, people, weather and more. Also made me less of a suaku - one year ago I couldn't have told you the procedures in taking a flight, and now in about a week, I'll be heading on my first solo trip (10 days across central Europe)! I've taken more flights in just 2014 than in my entire life before coming here... To visit so many places so far from home at such a young age is a thing of fortune, and I'm nothing short of grateful.

I'm definitely different from before, but strangely I don't feel like I've changed much. Looking at the things I've written, I still sound like the same me who was up typing at 3am on 1/6/2014. Ok actually I have changed... Physically, I'm stronger, bulkier (in a few different ways), and my hair is too long. I can cook confidently now. And after all them life lessons... I've honed my alertness, learnt to trust more wisely, and developed pretty steely resilience. But even then, I still feel like the same person under all this thick armour. Maybe I have a very "steady" personality that isn't likely to change much, but I feel I've been doing things the way I've been doing them for a while now. I'm not easily excitable, just the same as not being easily flustered, which has been a great help sometimes. Essentially, I'm not coming home much different from when I left, but that doesn't mean I've learnt nothing.

Hence follows this particularly apt set of lines (which has had the fortune/misfortune of being quoted to cliche-ness):

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” - Terry Pratchett

I guess it's not often that we come across a piece of writing that simply says it the way it feels. It's been a joy to take cheap flights all over the place and experience for myself how different the rest of the world really is. We tend to compare, and we sometimes fail to acknowledge the beauty we were blessed with. All I can say here is, we have it damn good on our sunny island, and having seen just a bit more of the world, I have learnt to appreciate that better.

[dun complain about a 5 cent increase in MRT/bus fare please hor here increase by 10p (20 cents) and each tap of the oyster costs you at least a plate of chicken rice and you need to get back where you came from so that's two plates of chicken rice i'm not kidding]

This whole experience is something to be thankful for, but if it has to be broken down into notabilities... I'm thankful for technology, for opening a window to home. Thankful for the internship. Thankful for the scholarship/REP allowance. Thankful for proximity, to school, to this side of the world. Thankful for the climbs, both the regular gym sessions and the ones in the great outdoors. Thankful for my friends, old and new, with whom I've shared fun times and braved adversity (not mutually exclusive!). Overseas, your friends are like family, and that is a fact to be treasured and respected. Out of these, special mention and gratitude goes to my roomie and close buddy, J, with whom I was destined to land the same table, same internship, same course, same room. But that's ok lol, coz even though we've been stuck with each other for the entire year, we function independently, e.g. eat when you want and pon the classes you want yourself. Though once in a while we do things together like a 5-hour dinner (15 mins of eating included :P). This kind of comfortable space is better than anything I could ever have asked for. [it's her bday AGAIN in 2 days and i haven't decided what i'm gonna do to her yet...]

So after all that's been said and done, it's been a deeply edifying rollercoaster ride. But now I really think it's time to go home (soon)! Ya la, I know I've said before that I don't really miss home but that was agesss ago. [Not bad though that final line, I knew myself well.] Because of its record-breaking duration (>13 months omggg) this exchange has been really worth it, but now there's really no doubt that I wanna go home... The seasons have gone through a full cycle and yes it's been too damn long so I can't wait to touch down in our extremely awesome Changi airport in just slightly over a month. But before then, I've got these last 3 irritating papers to clear, then the summer stuffed full of travels will fly by. And then I'll see you all again :)

Sunset from Piazzale Michelangelo (11/4).

So, tell everybody I'm on my way
And I just can't wait to be home
With the sun beating down, yes I'm on my way
And nothing but good times to show

I'm on my way
Yes I'm on my way!